Overcome Limiting Beliefs That Kill Your Progress (PsyCap 16)

One characteristic of resilient people is their high level of self-awareness. In other words, they know themselves quite well. Of course, it is not possible to see yourself in a completely unbiased way. However, resilient individuals have a relatively accurate perception of their strengths and weaknesses. They know what motivates them and what their core beliefs are. Furthermore, resilent people know how to overcome limiting beliefs.

Self-awareness, enables one to progress personally and professionally even in challenging situations. For instance, being aware of your strengths and weaknesses can help you to know when to seek support from others. Being clear about what is important to you is key for making smarter decisions and taking actions that are in line with your core values.

How Well do You Know Yourself?

The following questions can help you guage your level of self-awareness:

• What are your core beliefs and principles?
• What are your strengths and weaknesses?
• What are your character traits?
• What motivates you?
• How do others perceive you?
• What are your values?
• In a given situation could you pinpoint your feelings and explain why you feel the way you do?
• What are your desires and goals?
• Do you know why you react the way you do in various situations?

More than likely it’s difficult for us to easily answer all of these questions. Also, we don’t always know why we react the way we do. This is an indication that we hold beliefs that we may not be aware of.

In most cases, beliefs drive our actions and determine how we respond in various situations. If we are not aware of the underlying beliefs that elicit a response, we can’t really answer the question why we react in a particular way. More importantly, it will be difficult to challenenge our thoughts and thereby change our behaviors.

Let’s say you get really irritated when your manager is late to the meeting but are not sure why it gets you so much. It doesn’t seem to bother anyone else, but you get really worked up inside. Even to the point that for some time you can’t concentrate on your tasks.

What is going on here? You may have an underlying belief that managers should always be positive role-models or people should never be late. You might not even be so aware you have this concept. But when things happen that are contrary to your belief, you may get angry or disappointed. Let’s take a closer look at a potential explanation for this.

Deeply Held Beliefs and Core Values

The goal of this post is to help you overcome limiting beliefs that may hinder your personal development. We’ll learn to identify deeply held beliefs, better know as “iceberg beliefs”. Furthermore, we’ll briefly cover core values, which are often the origin of deeply held beliefs.

Before we get started, it’s worth mentioning that this article is not about countering “negative affirmations”, which are simply stated a kind of non-constructive self-talk. Rather, we aim to uncover beliefs we might not even know we have. Such an exercise digs even deeper and in some cases exposes the root cause for negative affirmations.

Deeply held beliefs and core values determine:

• How we view the world, ourselves, and others
• Believe the world should operate
• How we ourselves operate and what decisions we make
• How we respond to adversity

Our beliefs and values are greatly influenced by:

• How we were raised
• The environment we grew up in
• Experiences we have had
• How we were educated

If something happens that is contrary to our beliefs and values, this may cause us to have a strong negative reaction which is inappropriate, or disproportionate to the situation. Our emotions may get out of whack and hit like a storm. Because we are not always aware of the concepts that we have, our responses in various situations may come as a surprise to us and to others.

The ability to identify your deeply held beliefs is crucial because it helps you to have greater control over your emotions and reactions.

Overcome Limiting Beliefs: Examples 1 – 4

1. Asking for help is a sign of weakness

This belief may cause you to rob yourself of much needed support in difficult times. Being able and knowing when to ask for help shows humility and strength. Everyone needs help at some time or another, so it is nothing to be ashamed of.

2. I must never give up

Perseverance is generally a desirable attribute, but at times it could be more beneficial to reevaluate and redirect. For example, if your goal of building a successful business is causing extreme financial loss and having a negative impact on your family life, perhaps it is time to let go.

Is it worth it to achieve this goal at all costs? “Giving up” does not mean you are a failure and are a worthless person. To the contrary, knowing when to stop is a sign of psychological maturity.

3. I must always be productive

Although this belief can be helpful for reaching goals and just getting things done, it is important to remember that we are not machines. In a time in which being busy is glorified, this this kind of mindset can cause us to feel guilty when we are not doing something.

Research shows that our productivity can increase if we take enough time to rest and schedule needed breaks. Don’t feel bad about taking care of yourself in this way. Realize that you have inherent value as person and that this does not depend on what you do or what others think about you.

4. Showing emotion is a sign of weak character

You may unconsciously try not to feel emotion or pride yourself in being emotionally neutral. Furthermore, you may think that by removing emotion from the decision-making process you can make even better decisions.

However, understanding emotion, using emotion, managing emotion and being able to perceive others’ emotions can help you to respond more effectively in various situations. Numerous studies link emotional intelligence to effective leadership, positive work attitudes, job satisfaction and overall job performance.

Overcome Limiting Beliefs: Examples 5 – 7

5. I’ve got to stay busy

It is good to be productive, but being busy does not necessarily mean you are using your time effectively. Business is a badge that some people proudly like to wear; in some cases, this belief is linked to a sense of self-worth.

Never having down time, however, could eventually lead to negative outcomes such as burn-out or hypertension. Use your time effectively so that you have more time for things that matter to you and energize you.

6. People must like me

Highly agreeable persons often hold this concept. It is beneficial to be open and willing to connect. However, this belief can be detrimental if you constantly do things to please others, even at the expense of your own well-being.

Another problem that may arise is you feel bad or guilty if someone is not fond of you. It is impossible to please everyone – don’t even try. There are times when you need to do or say something that not everyone will agree with. You are bound to offend someone at some point. No need to feel bad about this.

7. I only like certain kinds of people

This concept may cause you to look down on others and miss out on opportunities to form meaningful, quality relationships. In other words, you build barriers that need not exist.

Focusing exclusively on certain kinds of people can cause you to become distant from other team-members who don’t “meet your standard”. The point is not to become best friends with everyone, but to cultivate positive relationships with all kinds of people. This is not only personally enriching, but beneficial for team performance.

Overcome Limiting Beliefs: Examples 8 – 10

8. People can’t be trusted

Having this belief may cause you to be overly cautious, even paranoid, about others trying to take advantage of you. You’re always asking, “What’s the catch?” Such a belief makes it difficult to form quality relationships and can negatively impact team success. One of the characteristics of successful teams is members can trust and rely on each other.

9. I must be successful to be accepted

All of us have experienced setbacks or times when we are not as “successful” as we would like to be. If we hold to this core belief and define ourselves by success, we may be overly harsh on ourselves when we fail.

Having a set-back could cause us to experience deep disappointment, depression, and anxiety. To develop a more balanced perspective, you can reframe how you view success. For instance, learning from failure is also of great value – we often learn more from our failures than from our success.

10. I can’t let people know how I am really doing

Maybe you believe that opening up to others about difficulties will make them think you are weak. For you weakness is something to be ashamed of and you don’t want to be judged. Perhaps you think if you show weakness, others will take advantage of you.

We don’t have to broadcast our situation to everyone, but it is important to have people we can open to. This invites support and can help us to get through difficult times.

Just speaking to someone with a listening ear who is not judgmental is beneficial to our psychological well-being. They don’t even have to say anything! In fact, research shows that this is one of the main reasons why therapy can be so effective. 

Examples of Core Values

• Achievement
• Collaboration
• Communication
• Creativity
• Dignity
• Diligence
• Discipline
• Faith
• Forgiveness
• Friendship
• Honesty
• Humor
• Integrity
• Loyalty
• Mercy
• Respect
• Success

When we’re able to live out our core values in the work environment, we’re more likely to be engaged and experience higher job satisfaction. This is positive, but one thing to watch out for is how we view those who don’t share our core values. Because deeply held beliefs are often based on core values, we may look down on others who do not correspond to our ideals.

For instance if I value success, I may believe that unsucessful people are lazy. This may cause me to get get disappointed or angry with a colleague who I think is “substandard”. Such feelings, depending on their intensity, can limit critical thinking, problem solving and productivity. Furthermore, writing off colleagues based on such beliefs can really kill team morale.

Exercise: How to Overcome Limiting Beliefs

This exercise will help you to identify and examine beliefs that influence your emotions and reactions. Such an intervention is profitable if you want to figure out why you respond to things the way that you do. Furthermore, it will help you to challenge these beliefs and adopt a more productive response.

Step 1 to Overcome Limiting Beliefs: Identify Deeply Held Beliefs Underlying Your Response

Let’s say you are in a situation that caused you to have a strong negative reaction, but you are not sure why.

Keep asking “what” questions about the situation until you can identify the belief that influenced your behavior:

1. What is the most upsetting part of that for me?
2. What does that mean to me?
3. What is the worst part of that for me?
4. Assuming that is true, what about that is so upsetting to me?

These questions can be asked in any order, as long as the questions build on eachother.

Step 2 to Overcome Limiting Beliefs: Analyze and Evaluate

You can ask these questions to challenge the belief and develop a better response for the future:

1. Is this belief accurate in the given situation?
2. Is this belief overly rigid?
3. Is this belief useful?
4. Is this belief helping or harming me?
5. Do I really believe this to be true?
6. Do I value this belief?
7. Do I have any other beliefs or values that are contradictory to this?
8. What should I do now that I am aware of this belief?

Once you have determined what your belief is, there are various ways to deal with it. This depends on nurmerous factors and there is no “one size fits all” approach.

For example, if the deeply held belief corresponds with one of your core values and reflects something that you like about yourself, embrace it. However, you may have to work out a coping mechanism to better manage your emotions and at the same time remain aligned with your values.

Sometimes it is most beneficial to alter or let go of the belief. Perhaps you are holding on to something that was beneficial to you as a child, but as an adult is no longer useful.

Other times it is more effective to change how you think about situations that trigger you. If you believe that you must be successful, delivering less than perfect results at work may cause you to think you are a failure. Instead of viewing success in black and white, as two extreme options, you can think in percentage. On a scale of 0 to 100 what percentage of success did I achieve in this situation?

Example: How to Overcome Limiting Beliefs

Your coworker asked you to take care of something, but you refused and told them you are not able. You were a little snappy with your response, because the fact that they asked you to do something angered you. The request was not unreasonable, but for whatever reason it made you mad.

Step 1 to Overcome Limiting Beliefs: Identify Deeply Held Beliefs Underlying Your Response

What is the most upsetting part of that for you?

They asked me to do something, and they are not my manager.

What does that mean to you?

They think that they can tell me what to do.

What is the worst part of that for you?

They don’t respect my seniority or see me as their equal.

Assuming that is true, what about that is so upsetting to you?

I want to be respected and not looked down upon.

Deeply Held Belief

When people of equal or lower rank tell me what to do, they are disrespecting me and looking down on me.

Step 2 to Overcome Limiting Beliefs: Analyze and Evaluate

Is this belief accurate in the given situation?

Probably not. Their request was not unreasonable, and they were not trying to disrespect me. They probably just needed some support.

Is this belief overly rigid?

I think so. This can’t be true in every situation.

Is this belief useful?

Probably not. I think too much in terms of hierarchy.

Is this belief helping or harming me?

Harming, because it causes me to get angry a lot.

Do I really believe this to be true?

No, not in this situation

Do I value this belief?

I have this belief, but it causes me a lot of trouble. I don’t want to hold on to it.

Do you have any other beliefs or values that are contradictory to this?

Yes, I think people should be humble. If I was humble in this situation, I probably would not get so mad.

What should you do now that you are aware of this belief?

When others ask me to do something, I should not assume that they are disrespecting me. Most of the time this is not true.

Even if they are, I’ve got to remember that my value as a person does not depend on others’ opinions. I can also focus on my own strengths and accomplishments, instead of worrying about how others perceive me.

Summary

In this post we learned how to overcome limiting beliefs. These may be deeply held beliefs and core values which determine how we view the world and believe the world should operate. Furthermore, they greately influence how we respond to adversity.

Our core beliefs and values are influenced by how we were raised, in what environment we grew up, experiences we have had and how we were educated.

More than likely, we are not aware of all the beliefs that we have. Proof of this is that certain situations may cause us to react in a way that we don’t expect. We may have a strong negative reaction which is inappropriate, or disproportionate to the situation.

The ability to identify your deeply held beliefs is crucial because it helps you to have greater control over your emotions and reactions. This is also a key to building resilience.

Resilient persons are more aware of their core values and deeply held beliefs. Through this “self-awareness” they can maintain mental clarity, pivot their thoughts as needed and thereby respond to challenging situations more effectively.

References

Reivich KJ, Seligman ME, McBride S. Master resilience training in the U.S. Army. Am Psychol. 2011 Jan;66(1):25-34. doi: 10.1037/a0021897. PMID: 21219045.