3 Tips on How to Get Better at Communicating (Part 1)

Communication constantly tops lists of the most in demand business skills. The ability to effectively communicate is especially crucial in today’s dynamic work environment. With constant change, hybrid work models and global teams, excellent communication is a key for high level performance. In this post I present you with 3 tips on how to get better at communicating, especially in the midst of conflict.

Many problems at work stem from communication issues. For example, your manager may assign you a task. However, your understanding of the how it should be done differs from what your manager expects. Excellent communicators know how to send information in a way that others know how the message should be interpreted.

People’s culture, upbringing, knowledge, values, personality, preferences, communications styles, mindset etc. are all factors that influence how one interprets what another person says. Therefore, a one size fits all approach when communicating with others just doesn’t work. Effective communication is a skill that you can improve on over time. Here are three tips on how to get better at communicating at work.

1. Listen to Understand

We often listen to others with the goal of responding. We’re more interested in what we’re going to say instead of what the other person is saying. One way to improve your communication skills is to listen more and speak less. Try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes to better understand the motivation behind their words and actions. Listen to what the other person is saying, how they’re saying it and even what they’re not saying (non-verbal clues).

If the other person feels understood, then you can reach them with your message. They will be more open to what you have to say, and it’ll be easier to find common ground.

Feeling understood is crucial for personal and social well-being. It fills a social need that our brain considers essential for safety and survival. Feeling understood activates the neural regions of our brain that are associated with reward and social connection (ventral striatum and middle insula). Not feeling understood activates regions associated with negative emotions (anterior insula).

Ensure the Other Person feels Understood – How to Get Better at Communicating

Letting the other person know that you’re trying to understand them is critical. Show the person that you understand what they’re saying by summarizing and repeating their point back to them. For example, you can say, “I wan’t to make sure that I understand. What you’re saying is…” or “Just to make sure I understand, what you’re saying is… Is that correct?”

As the other person is speaking use open body language such as nodding, smiling, and maintaining eye contact. This indicates that you’re engaged and interested in what they’re saying. In other words, give them your undivided attention. Don’t check your phone or regularly interrupt the other person. This gives the impression that what they’re saying is not very important to you.

Finally, if you don’t understand the other person’s point ask questions. Ask until you understand where they’re coming from. This shows that you genuinely care.

2. Don’t Avoid Difficult Conversations – How to Get Better at Communicating

If you push off difficult conversations, it’s quite possible the situation will get worse. Sometimes it’s hard to talk about certain topics directly. We may feel it will jeopardize our relationship with the other person. Or we just don’t want to put in the effort that is needed to address the issue. Furthermore, we often make the false assumption that the situation will just take care of itself. Sometimes it does, however, things usually just get worse, and you’ll get more frustrated over time.

Early on in my job as a recruitment consultant, clients would sometimes give me feedback about the candidates I presented way too late. Because I am high in agreeableness, I didn’t want to put pressure on my client and assumed that next time they’ll be faster. However, the situation only improved after I presented the situation from my perspective and stated my expectations clearly.

Why We Avoid Difficult Conversations

In one study researchers investigated why health care professionals avoid difficult conversations with each other, even though such a tendency correlates with more medical errors and worse patient care. The findings show that the main reasons include:

• Fear of negative consequences
• Distaste for confrontation
• Lack of confidence to handle such conversations

Other factors include:

• Individual qualities such as personality type and communication style
• Schedule intensity
• Size of the workplace
• Perceived cultural barriers at work such as never questioning your manager

How to Carry Out Difficult Conversations

We can all probably identify with some of these challenges. Here is a short guide to help you effectively carry out difficult conversations.

1. To help you overcome your hesitation about addressing the issue, reflect on why you feel uncomfortable. What are your fears?

2. Consider if you’re catastrophizing, jumping to conclusions, or reasoning based on your emotions. Counter by examining the evidence to see if your assumptions are accurate. Also do a cost-benefit analysis. Is it worth it to let the situation continue as is? Also realize that addressing the situation does not have to end poorly. By tackling the issue skillfully, you can achieve your desired outcome.

3. Think about how you will deliver your feedback so that you don’t come across as harsh. Wait for the right time to talk about the problem and make sure that you allocate enough time for the conversation.

4. At the beginning of the conversation communicate the goal of your feedback clearly.

5. Address specific actions, establish the facts, and don’t get personal.

6. Let the person know how you feel – communicate in such a way that you’ll be understood. For example, don’t just say, “I feel frustrated.” It’s more effective to say, “When you…I feel frustrated because…”

7. Give the other person the opportunity to share their perspective and listen to understand

8. After establishing a mutual understanding work on a solution together. This increases the acceptance of the decision for all involved.  

What to Say in Difficult Conversations

Here are a few ways to articulate a few of the points mentioned above:

• “I would like to talk with you about …., is now a good time for that?”
• “At the moment I’m having trouble with …., do you think we could work through that together?”
• “To me it’s important that we consider…, because…”
• “When you…., it gives me the sense that… I would like to talk about this to avoid any misunderstandings.”
• “It’s hard to talk about it, but I need to address…I want to make sure we find a solution that works for both of us. Are you able to have this conversation now?”
• “I would like to understand why… Could you give me some insight into what’s happening.”
• “I’m glad that we could talk about this. How should we continue from here to make sure that…”

3. Respond, do not React – How to Get Better at Communicating

One reason we react quickly and often strongly during conflicts is we feel threatened. Maybe your colleague said something, and you feel like they’re challenging your competence or being unfair. Perhaps you’re dealing with an angry customer, and you take what they say personally.

Reacting emotionally can have some long-term consequences and may lead to regret. It also adds fuel to the fire and may cause the other person to respond emotionally as well.

Another tip on how to get better at communicating is to respond, not just react. When you respond to a situation, you’re not impulsive – you remain objective. A response stems from consideration and thoughtfulness. It allows you to be assertive without coming across as aggressive.

Learning to respond and not react is a crucial skill for navigating conflict and improving your communication skills.

Tips for Responding – How to Get Better at Communicating

1. Get Your Own Emotions Under Control

Take a mindful approach to interact with your negative feelings. This means that you recognize your feelings and do not suppress them. For example, you realize that a particular situation is making you angry, however, you do not overidentify with this feeling to amplify it.

Breathe

Before responding take a few deep breaths to calm down. You might even try counting to five before you say something.

Identify Your Triggers and Automatic Reactions

Having a heightened self-awareness about your own triggers will equip you to pause before reacting quickly. You realize that this situation would normally cause you to respond emotionally, but because you know what’s happening, you don’t allow what the others person says or does to get the better of you.

Practice Emotional Reappraisal

When appropriate reframe how you think about the situation to reduce your experience of negative emotions. For example, you feel angry because a client spoke to you rather assertively and it rubbed you the wrong way. However, you realize they normally communicate directly and are not trying to be offensive. Although you prefer a different communication style, you decide not to take their statements personally.

Consider the conflict as a learning opportunity. What are hidden chances in this negative situation? For example, you can view the situation as a chance to clear up any misunderstandings and forge a more cooperative working relationship.

2. Respond Assertively, Not Aggressively

To repond assertively without being aggressive, it’s important to stay objective. Speak to the facts of the situation without getting personal. Also, acknowledge the other person’s perspective. Try to be as clear and concise as possible. Speak calmly and maintain eye contact. This will leave little room for misunderstanding.

Summary – How to Get Better at Communicating

In this post I covered three tips on how to get better at communicating, especially in conflict situations.

1. Listen to Understand

The first tip is to listen to others with the goal of understanding their perspective. We shouldn’t listen primarily to respond, rather to understand.

Feeling understood activates the part of the brain that is tied to reward and social connectedness. Letting the other person know you’re genuinely trying to understand can make them more willing to compromise and receive what you have to say.

2. Don’t Avoid Difficult Conversations

The second tip is not to avoid difficult conversations. Speak directly and openly about problems. Also address issues sooner than later, otherwise, the situation will more likely get worse over time. Choose the right time to talk about the issue and make sure you allocate enough time. Think about how you will communicate so that you don’t come across as harsh. After establishing a mutual understanding of the situation work on a solution together.

3. Respond, don’t React

The third tip is to respond to situations and not react. To do this it’s crucial to get your own emotions under control by: taking a mindful approach, increasing self-awareness about your triggers / automatic responses and engaging in emotional reappraisal. After calming down, you’re now able to respond advantageously. Acknowledge the other person’s perspective, speak based on facts and avoid getting personal. This way, it’s possible for you to respond assertively without coming across as aggressive.

If you would like some support in enhancing your communication skills or working through some difficult work situations feel free to reach out to me here.

References

King, C., Edlington, T., & Williams, B. (2020). Avoiding difficult conversations in the Australian health sector. SAGE Open Nursing, 6, 2377960820941978.

Morelli, S. A., Torre, J. B., & Eisenberger, N. I. (2014). The neural bases of feeling understood and not understood. Social cognitive and affective neuroscience, 9(12), 1890-1896.

Seligman, M.E.P. 2006. Learned optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life. New York: Vintage Books